I have a problem of wondering if I made the right decision. It could be whether I made the right decision of what college to attend. It could be whether I should have eaten a reese's instead of a kit kat. I ponder these things. It's mostly a waste of time, but don't tell that to my anxiety.
As it turns out, I made my decision of which college to attend a little over a month ago. Whether it's right or not at this point doesn't matter. This is my third undergrad school and like it or not I've made the commitment to stay and graduate. This one's for real. I'll know whether I made the right decision in a few months. Or maybe upon arrival. Or maybe not until I graduate. I'll worry about it anyways. As for the candy, well, I had both. Suck it, they were mini-size.
What I've currently been pondering are the following: dying my hair pink (again) and rejoining facebook.
I dyed my hair pink when I was 18 and I just felt so much like myself. It's a weird feeling to describe. It's like when you find THE PERFECT SHIRT at the mall. The one that you look at it and go "oh yes, that is totally me" and then you try it on and it fits you perfectly and you say, "Wow, what a gem; I must buy this shirt." Aaaannd, let's just add icing to the cupcake. You think to yourself, "If there was a cartoon character of me, this is the shirt I would be wearing." That's how I feel about having pink hair. If I were a cartoon character, I would have pink hair. The worry is that I'm not 18 anymore. Am I too old to be dying my hair atypical colors? Will my professors take me seriously? Will I go to them for a recommendation for an internship just to have them think, "yeah, she knows what she's doing and I think she would be a good fit but she's got that ridiculous pink hair"? My mom thinks perhaps I should get a feel for the campus first and then decide if it's what I want to do. My coworkers think perhaps I should just highlight my hair pink instead of going to the extreme. I think I'll chicken out if I don't do something soon, and then when I'm 30 and lamenting think, "I should have done that when I was younger."
Since leaving facebook, I have lost some friends, which is sad. Very sad. Kind of depressing, disappointing, disheartening. And I have said in the past that I would most likely rejoin in January upon returning to school. But I really don't want to. It's sad because I know my once lost friends would return to being my friends upon my return to facebook, but that's not how I want my friendships to be. I just feel better not having it. Facebook is a dangerous thing to behold. While it can be good for forming connections ("Hey, he likes Big Bang Theory too!) it can also deter people from actually getting to know each other (He likes the O'Reilly Factor. No.) It's so easy to judge and be judged based on our facebook pages. Sure, that's kind of what they're there for, but then it removes the getting to know someone part. Because maybe the guy that likes the O'Reilly Factor also likes BBT, Nirvana, and pumpkin cookies. Or maybe he's friends with his mom and has to make his page Mom approved. You never know. You can get lost looking at other people's lives through their albums and photographs. You can feel disappointed that you don't have any notifications (having a cell phone is about as much disappointment as I can handle). For me, there's also something satisfying about not having a facebook. The shock factor when other people hear you say that. "How do you survive without facebook?!" To which I should probably just start responding "I'm a recluse and a loser?" Maybe I'm just reluctant to go back because I don't like so many people being able to access where I'm at and what I'm doing with my life. What am I, a museum display? If I creep on other people's pages (guilty), I know they are creepin' on mine. Unfortunately, most people look at me like I'm strange if I try to explain all this: "Where did you come from, Planet Loser?"
Monday, January 2, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Fundamental Human Personailty Traits?
Hope makes us do strange things. It keeps us going, sure. It gives us something to look forward to, ok. But for as much happiness as it can create, it also leads way to frustration, disappointment, heartache, and tears. It's the reason people scrape together money to buy lottery tickets, or stand there, buying ticket after ticket, or come in every week on the same day at the same time to buy the same amount of tickets they bought the week before. It's the reason we apply for colleges, jobs, internships, even if we don't think we can get in or get it. It's the reason we interact with other people, looking for relationships, friendships or otherwise, hoping to find someone we click with, have similar interests with, can talk to easily.
And when we win the ticket, get in to our dream school, land the job, make a friend, meet someone special, it makes the feeling that much better. That elated feeling, where it feels like your heart is swelling like the Grinch's in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Where you feel like you are capable of anything, that you just want to bottle up this feeling and save it for a bleak day. When you run (yes, actually run) to tell someone the news because you are so excited you can't contain it, and running is a way to dispel the excess energy you have just obtained.
And eventually, that excitement tones down, you calm down, your heart beats normal, you stop running. And you are ok. You are at normal, ground level. You are still happy, content, satisfied, but you are not overly so.
But when none of that happens, when our promise for something fails, when the anticipation that something will happen is all there is, without getting that moment, it is troubling. It makes us disappointed, sad, frustrated. And when that happens, we still cling to hope. Hope that the next ticket will be a winner, hope that a different college will let us in, hope that another job will call for an interview, hope that someone else will like us. And so the cycle continues.
Hope is why I applied to colleges I didn't think I could get into, or afford if I did.
Hope is why I even left my previous college.
Hope is why I went to Victoria's Secret today (to see if my "secret gift card" was worth more than $10).
Hope is why it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm still sitting on my phone waiting for someone to text me back.
Hope makes us to strange things.
And when we win the ticket, get in to our dream school, land the job, make a friend, meet someone special, it makes the feeling that much better. That elated feeling, where it feels like your heart is swelling like the Grinch's in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Where you feel like you are capable of anything, that you just want to bottle up this feeling and save it for a bleak day. When you run (yes, actually run) to tell someone the news because you are so excited you can't contain it, and running is a way to dispel the excess energy you have just obtained.
And eventually, that excitement tones down, you calm down, your heart beats normal, you stop running. And you are ok. You are at normal, ground level. You are still happy, content, satisfied, but you are not overly so.
But when none of that happens, when our promise for something fails, when the anticipation that something will happen is all there is, without getting that moment, it is troubling. It makes us disappointed, sad, frustrated. And when that happens, we still cling to hope. Hope that the next ticket will be a winner, hope that a different college will let us in, hope that another job will call for an interview, hope that someone else will like us. And so the cycle continues.
Hope is why I applied to colleges I didn't think I could get into, or afford if I did.
Hope is why I even left my previous college.
Hope is why I went to Victoria's Secret today (to see if my "secret gift card" was worth more than $10).
Hope is why it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm still sitting on my phone waiting for someone to text me back.
Hope makes us to strange things.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Subconscious thoughts
Have you ever wondered if you do some things subconsciously? For instance, I noticed the other day that my hair brush was filthy and needed to be cleaned out, as if I hadn't cleaned it out in ages, which is, actually, very unlike me. And I remembered how my previous boy attachment had commented once how he thought it was nice that I cleaned my hair brush out because his ex-girlfriend never did and it drove him up the wall. Upon reflection, I realized that I hadn't really been cleaning out my hairbrush properly for quite some time, say, maybe about the time he smashed my heart to smithereens. Had I just gotten lazy over the past few months or was I subconsciously doing something that I knew would annoy him, even though he's not in my life anymore?
Note: "boy attachment" not "boyfriend." Although I would have liked him to be my boyfriend, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, only to start dating someone else. That really makes me nothing else but a stepping stone. (Save this for the next guy that tries it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUdIKdRuYc4&noredirect=1)
Can you break-up with someone you weren't really going out with? So, that leaves me at a loss of words for "boyfriend" and "break-up" and I never know the right way to describe it.
We still don't talk even though it's been months, closer to a year. He said he valued my friendship, but I don't know what I'd say to him or how to be his friend. I feel like he doesn't have a spot or need for me in his life. He's got his friends. He has a girlfriend. My guess is he's forgot my existence by now, and that I never cross his mind.
Liz Phair: "It's harder to be friends than lovers" and she is so right.
Note: "boy attachment" not "boyfriend." Although I would have liked him to be my boyfriend, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, only to start dating someone else. That really makes me nothing else but a stepping stone. (Save this for the next guy that tries it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUdIKdRuYc4&noredirect=1)
Can you break-up with someone you weren't really going out with? So, that leaves me at a loss of words for "boyfriend" and "break-up" and I never know the right way to describe it.
We still don't talk even though it's been months, closer to a year. He said he valued my friendship, but I don't know what I'd say to him or how to be his friend. I feel like he doesn't have a spot or need for me in his life. He's got his friends. He has a girlfriend. My guess is he's forgot my existence by now, and that I never cross his mind.
Liz Phair: "It's harder to be friends than lovers" and she is so right.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
In which I rant about facebook, wtih some random side stories
So at work today, one of the cashiers, Nick, told me that he and his wife were expecting. And I said, "Oh! Well that's exciting." Right? Is it? I never know what to say, because what if they don't want another baby, then it's not exciting at all. So then I follow that up with, "Isn't it?" Smooth, LJ, very smooth. However, this is better than my typical reaction: "Like, on purpose?" Also, very smooth.
I know I've been talking lately about boys, and frankly, my life does not revolve around boys. I think that I'm normally just so stressed about school and money and what am I doing with my life and oh no I'm getting sick that focusing on "boy troubles" gives me something else to focus my nervous energy on. So while I may stress over boy dilemmas, it's not the same type of stress that I'm doing about my academics. I don't want to say meaningless stress, because that sounds heartless. Just, I don't know how to describe it. I mean, certainly I am aware and concerned of others' feelings and I never want to intentionally or consciously hurt someone else. But, whether or not I go on a date with so-and-so isn't as important to me, as say, my GPA or the fact my bank account as $10 in it and I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. It will be later, and maybe later is too late, and I am doomed to be a spinster.
This has nothing to do with facebook. That rant starts now.
So, it really all started with me wanting to change my name on facebook. For awhile I was Little Jill. And eventually, I didn't feel like Little Jill anymore. I had outgrown my name. So I switched it to my real name, except my nickname as my first name and then my real last name. But then I got sick of that, too. Like, I didn't want my nickname anymore because I've kind of lost touch with the people who used to call me that, and I've never been thrilled about my last name being on my facebook. So today, I was going to change my name, because after months of feeling like I had outgrown my current name, I had finally discovered one that I felt like I fit into. Sometimes we outgrow our names just like we outgrow our clothes. Facebook wouldn't let me, though. "You have changed your name the maximum number of times allowed," it told me. How is that possible? Can you change your profile picture a maximum number of times? Can you poke someone a maximum number of times? Can you give status updates a maximum number of times? So in my fury, I deactivated my facebook. I feel like I might be throwing a tantrum, about not being able to get my way, and maybe I am, but it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I can't be myself on facebook. Facebook, which is supposed to represent you, as a person, and I couldn't be myself. "If you don't use your real name, your friends won't be able to find you." Oh facebook. If I wanted people to find me I would say, "Oh hey, you're pretty cool, you should add me on facebook. You'll have to search for me by (name)." Or, you just simply add the other person. Or someone says, "I wanted to add you on facebook but couldn't find you." Easy. That's what I've done in the past. Or, here's a shocking thought: Maybe I don't want to be found. Maybe I just want to go about my facebook business with people who are my friends and not 300 acquaintances or 1,000 people who don't actually know me, who I have no idea who they are either. So, who is facebook to tell me that I can't change my name? That I am forever stuck being the last name that I put in there? What's even more ludicrous is they wouldn't even let me change back to Little Jill. So I'm thinking, "Why can't I even change back to something I've been before?" Ridiculous.
So yes, I've deactivated my facebook account. No, I will not be reactivating it any time soon. When, in the future, might I reactivate it again? When I feel like I am who it says I am. When will that happen? Have you ever been able to fit into that tutu you outgrew from when you were 5?
I know I've been talking lately about boys, and frankly, my life does not revolve around boys. I think that I'm normally just so stressed about school and money and what am I doing with my life and oh no I'm getting sick that focusing on "boy troubles" gives me something else to focus my nervous energy on. So while I may stress over boy dilemmas, it's not the same type of stress that I'm doing about my academics. I don't want to say meaningless stress, because that sounds heartless. Just, I don't know how to describe it. I mean, certainly I am aware and concerned of others' feelings and I never want to intentionally or consciously hurt someone else. But, whether or not I go on a date with so-and-so isn't as important to me, as say, my GPA or the fact my bank account as $10 in it and I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. It will be later, and maybe later is too late, and I am doomed to be a spinster.
This has nothing to do with facebook. That rant starts now.
So, it really all started with me wanting to change my name on facebook. For awhile I was Little Jill. And eventually, I didn't feel like Little Jill anymore. I had outgrown my name. So I switched it to my real name, except my nickname as my first name and then my real last name. But then I got sick of that, too. Like, I didn't want my nickname anymore because I've kind of lost touch with the people who used to call me that, and I've never been thrilled about my last name being on my facebook. So today, I was going to change my name, because after months of feeling like I had outgrown my current name, I had finally discovered one that I felt like I fit into. Sometimes we outgrow our names just like we outgrow our clothes. Facebook wouldn't let me, though. "You have changed your name the maximum number of times allowed," it told me. How is that possible? Can you change your profile picture a maximum number of times? Can you poke someone a maximum number of times? Can you give status updates a maximum number of times? So in my fury, I deactivated my facebook. I feel like I might be throwing a tantrum, about not being able to get my way, and maybe I am, but it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I can't be myself on facebook. Facebook, which is supposed to represent you, as a person, and I couldn't be myself. "If you don't use your real name, your friends won't be able to find you." Oh facebook. If I wanted people to find me I would say, "Oh hey, you're pretty cool, you should add me on facebook. You'll have to search for me by (name)." Or, you just simply add the other person. Or someone says, "I wanted to add you on facebook but couldn't find you." Easy. That's what I've done in the past. Or, here's a shocking thought: Maybe I don't want to be found. Maybe I just want to go about my facebook business with people who are my friends and not 300 acquaintances or 1,000 people who don't actually know me, who I have no idea who they are either. So, who is facebook to tell me that I can't change my name? That I am forever stuck being the last name that I put in there? What's even more ludicrous is they wouldn't even let me change back to Little Jill. So I'm thinking, "Why can't I even change back to something I've been before?" Ridiculous.
So yes, I've deactivated my facebook account. No, I will not be reactivating it any time soon. When, in the future, might I reactivate it again? When I feel like I am who it says I am. When will that happen? Have you ever been able to fit into that tutu you outgrew from when you were 5?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
In which I try to comfort myself
To be fair, he was warned. He was WARNED. I mentioned to him, couple weeks ago, that I am a bitch. Two weeks ago exactly. ... Ok, not exactly, it could've been anywhere between 2-4 weeks ago that I mentioned this to him. But, I'd ballpark it at 2 weeks. Keeping track of time is not my strong suit.
And if that wasn't enough of a warning, I did tell him 3 days ago, and that one is 3 days exactly, and I know for sure because... never mind, I know, but I told him that I was the expert at not being a couple. Did he ever stop and think for a minute there was a reason for that? Hmmm? Probably. And he probably assumed the wrong things. Which is not my fault.
So, he has been warned.
And just as I'm convincing myself that this means he has been warned so I am not entirely to blame, Cold Hard Bitch comes on, and then I have this starking realization that that song is about me.
And the only thing that is currently distracting me from that thought is: starking isn't a word. But I'm going to use it anyways, because I'm pretty confident that people will know what I'm saying. Or maybe I'm just foolish. In any case, I'm definitely a doucher. Which is also, not a word.
And I have failed at comforting myself.
And if that wasn't enough of a warning, I did tell him 3 days ago, and that one is 3 days exactly, and I know for sure because... never mind, I know, but I told him that I was the expert at not being a couple. Did he ever stop and think for a minute there was a reason for that? Hmmm? Probably. And he probably assumed the wrong things. Which is not my fault.
So, he has been warned.
And just as I'm convincing myself that this means he has been warned so I am not entirely to blame, Cold Hard Bitch comes on, and then I have this starking realization that that song is about me.
And the only thing that is currently distracting me from that thought is: starking isn't a word. But I'm going to use it anyways, because I'm pretty confident that people will know what I'm saying. Or maybe I'm just foolish. In any case, I'm definitely a doucher. Which is also, not a word.
And I have failed at comforting myself.
To be in a pickle, or to not be in a pickle. That is the question.
So you and your coworker clock out at the same time, walk out together talking. Which means that, you did not go say good-bye to the boy who bought you dinner a couple nights ago. Who stopped up at the office to say 'hi' and continue a conversation that had been taking place via texts. What are you going to do?
Break away from the person you are talking to, awkwardly, and go say goodbye, awkwardly, while the person who is working in the office can see that you've deliberately gone to say goodbye to someone. Awkward. And a good way to start gossip. Unnecessary gossip. What're gonna do.
Not to mention that if you do go back and make a special trip. this could come across as... I view this as something that is getting serious. But you don't. And if you text and say, "sorry I didn't tell you good-bye" you're indicating that there is something there; enough there that you would make a special trip or send a special text. But there isn't, and you don't want there to be. What are ya gonna do?
Because the truth of the matter is that I do hold firmly to the fact that while boys can be stupid, they are not without feelings, and their feelings can be hurt just as easily as girls. So how do you balance not hurting someones' feelings with not leading them on? What a pickle.
Break away from the person you are talking to, awkwardly, and go say goodbye, awkwardly, while the person who is working in the office can see that you've deliberately gone to say goodbye to someone. Awkward. And a good way to start gossip. Unnecessary gossip. What're gonna do.
Not to mention that if you do go back and make a special trip. this could come across as... I view this as something that is getting serious. But you don't. And if you text and say, "sorry I didn't tell you good-bye" you're indicating that there is something there; enough there that you would make a special trip or send a special text. But there isn't, and you don't want there to be. What are ya gonna do?
Because the truth of the matter is that I do hold firmly to the fact that while boys can be stupid, they are not without feelings, and their feelings can be hurt just as easily as girls. So how do you balance not hurting someones' feelings with not leading them on? What a pickle.
How To: Break A Heart
Let's see:
He wants kids. I don't.
He likes Rush Limbaugh. I don't.
He doesn't know Simon and Garfunkel. They are one of my favorite bands.
These are the important things in life.
On top of that, I'm leaving in January, and while he may KNOW that, knowing is completely different from ACKNOWLEDGING.
The point is, the chase is enticing, but after that, all you can do is say, "I've made a horrible mistake." And then you are just about as bad as all the boys who have ever dragged your heart through the mud; and what's worse is, you didn't do it back to them, you've gone and done it to someone who was totally innocent of all your previous turmoil. It always sucks to be the innocent bystander.
He wants kids. I don't.
He likes Rush Limbaugh. I don't.
He doesn't know Simon and Garfunkel. They are one of my favorite bands.
These are the important things in life.
On top of that, I'm leaving in January, and while he may KNOW that, knowing is completely different from ACKNOWLEDGING.
The point is, the chase is enticing, but after that, all you can do is say, "I've made a horrible mistake." And then you are just about as bad as all the boys who have ever dragged your heart through the mud; and what's worse is, you didn't do it back to them, you've gone and done it to someone who was totally innocent of all your previous turmoil. It always sucks to be the innocent bystander.
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