Have you ever wondered if you do some things subconsciously? For instance, I noticed the other day that my hair brush was filthy and needed to be cleaned out, as if I hadn't cleaned it out in ages, which is, actually, very unlike me. And I remembered how my previous boy attachment had commented once how he thought it was nice that I cleaned my hair brush out because his ex-girlfriend never did and it drove him up the wall. Upon reflection, I realized that I hadn't really been cleaning out my hairbrush properly for quite some time, say, maybe about the time he smashed my heart to smithereens. Had I just gotten lazy over the past few months or was I subconsciously doing something that I knew would annoy him, even though he's not in my life anymore?
Note: "boy attachment" not "boyfriend." Although I would have liked him to be my boyfriend, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, only to start dating someone else. That really makes me nothing else but a stepping stone. (Save this for the next guy that tries it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUdIKdRuYc4&noredirect=1)
Can you break-up with someone you weren't really going out with? So, that leaves me at a loss of words for "boyfriend" and "break-up" and I never know the right way to describe it.
We still don't talk even though it's been months, closer to a year. He said he valued my friendship, but I don't know what I'd say to him or how to be his friend. I feel like he doesn't have a spot or need for me in his life. He's got his friends. He has a girlfriend. My guess is he's forgot my existence by now, and that I never cross his mind.
Liz Phair: "It's harder to be friends than lovers" and she is so right.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
In which I rant about facebook, wtih some random side stories
So at work today, one of the cashiers, Nick, told me that he and his wife were expecting. And I said, "Oh! Well that's exciting." Right? Is it? I never know what to say, because what if they don't want another baby, then it's not exciting at all. So then I follow that up with, "Isn't it?" Smooth, LJ, very smooth. However, this is better than my typical reaction: "Like, on purpose?" Also, very smooth.
I know I've been talking lately about boys, and frankly, my life does not revolve around boys. I think that I'm normally just so stressed about school and money and what am I doing with my life and oh no I'm getting sick that focusing on "boy troubles" gives me something else to focus my nervous energy on. So while I may stress over boy dilemmas, it's not the same type of stress that I'm doing about my academics. I don't want to say meaningless stress, because that sounds heartless. Just, I don't know how to describe it. I mean, certainly I am aware and concerned of others' feelings and I never want to intentionally or consciously hurt someone else. But, whether or not I go on a date with so-and-so isn't as important to me, as say, my GPA or the fact my bank account as $10 in it and I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. It will be later, and maybe later is too late, and I am doomed to be a spinster.
This has nothing to do with facebook. That rant starts now.
So, it really all started with me wanting to change my name on facebook. For awhile I was Little Jill. And eventually, I didn't feel like Little Jill anymore. I had outgrown my name. So I switched it to my real name, except my nickname as my first name and then my real last name. But then I got sick of that, too. Like, I didn't want my nickname anymore because I've kind of lost touch with the people who used to call me that, and I've never been thrilled about my last name being on my facebook. So today, I was going to change my name, because after months of feeling like I had outgrown my current name, I had finally discovered one that I felt like I fit into. Sometimes we outgrow our names just like we outgrow our clothes. Facebook wouldn't let me, though. "You have changed your name the maximum number of times allowed," it told me. How is that possible? Can you change your profile picture a maximum number of times? Can you poke someone a maximum number of times? Can you give status updates a maximum number of times? So in my fury, I deactivated my facebook. I feel like I might be throwing a tantrum, about not being able to get my way, and maybe I am, but it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I can't be myself on facebook. Facebook, which is supposed to represent you, as a person, and I couldn't be myself. "If you don't use your real name, your friends won't be able to find you." Oh facebook. If I wanted people to find me I would say, "Oh hey, you're pretty cool, you should add me on facebook. You'll have to search for me by (name)." Or, you just simply add the other person. Or someone says, "I wanted to add you on facebook but couldn't find you." Easy. That's what I've done in the past. Or, here's a shocking thought: Maybe I don't want to be found. Maybe I just want to go about my facebook business with people who are my friends and not 300 acquaintances or 1,000 people who don't actually know me, who I have no idea who they are either. So, who is facebook to tell me that I can't change my name? That I am forever stuck being the last name that I put in there? What's even more ludicrous is they wouldn't even let me change back to Little Jill. So I'm thinking, "Why can't I even change back to something I've been before?" Ridiculous.
So yes, I've deactivated my facebook account. No, I will not be reactivating it any time soon. When, in the future, might I reactivate it again? When I feel like I am who it says I am. When will that happen? Have you ever been able to fit into that tutu you outgrew from when you were 5?
I know I've been talking lately about boys, and frankly, my life does not revolve around boys. I think that I'm normally just so stressed about school and money and what am I doing with my life and oh no I'm getting sick that focusing on "boy troubles" gives me something else to focus my nervous energy on. So while I may stress over boy dilemmas, it's not the same type of stress that I'm doing about my academics. I don't want to say meaningless stress, because that sounds heartless. Just, I don't know how to describe it. I mean, certainly I am aware and concerned of others' feelings and I never want to intentionally or consciously hurt someone else. But, whether or not I go on a date with so-and-so isn't as important to me, as say, my GPA or the fact my bank account as $10 in it and I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. It will be later, and maybe later is too late, and I am doomed to be a spinster.
This has nothing to do with facebook. That rant starts now.
So, it really all started with me wanting to change my name on facebook. For awhile I was Little Jill. And eventually, I didn't feel like Little Jill anymore. I had outgrown my name. So I switched it to my real name, except my nickname as my first name and then my real last name. But then I got sick of that, too. Like, I didn't want my nickname anymore because I've kind of lost touch with the people who used to call me that, and I've never been thrilled about my last name being on my facebook. So today, I was going to change my name, because after months of feeling like I had outgrown my current name, I had finally discovered one that I felt like I fit into. Sometimes we outgrow our names just like we outgrow our clothes. Facebook wouldn't let me, though. "You have changed your name the maximum number of times allowed," it told me. How is that possible? Can you change your profile picture a maximum number of times? Can you poke someone a maximum number of times? Can you give status updates a maximum number of times? So in my fury, I deactivated my facebook. I feel like I might be throwing a tantrum, about not being able to get my way, and maybe I am, but it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I can't be myself on facebook. Facebook, which is supposed to represent you, as a person, and I couldn't be myself. "If you don't use your real name, your friends won't be able to find you." Oh facebook. If I wanted people to find me I would say, "Oh hey, you're pretty cool, you should add me on facebook. You'll have to search for me by (name)." Or, you just simply add the other person. Or someone says, "I wanted to add you on facebook but couldn't find you." Easy. That's what I've done in the past. Or, here's a shocking thought: Maybe I don't want to be found. Maybe I just want to go about my facebook business with people who are my friends and not 300 acquaintances or 1,000 people who don't actually know me, who I have no idea who they are either. So, who is facebook to tell me that I can't change my name? That I am forever stuck being the last name that I put in there? What's even more ludicrous is they wouldn't even let me change back to Little Jill. So I'm thinking, "Why can't I even change back to something I've been before?" Ridiculous.
So yes, I've deactivated my facebook account. No, I will not be reactivating it any time soon. When, in the future, might I reactivate it again? When I feel like I am who it says I am. When will that happen? Have you ever been able to fit into that tutu you outgrew from when you were 5?
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